today
i returned to her apartment
the one with the crooked shelves
and the small fan
and ran my fingers
through the dust on the windowsill
to feel the burning of steel
to taste the silence of the dying
I returned to look for myself
on a bed long gone
this morning I had thought of something
from that time in my life
where I was afraid of discovering
all that my heart wanted
somewhere between those walls
I can still hear myself crying
in my sleep, dreaming of something
that I would lose before I woke
I want to come home to this again
days of being unmade instead of broken
that night before the abductions began again
when I spoke in my sleep
about the victory that was to come to us
and how maybe this was love
and she kept my words a secret
because she was afraid of committing to something passing
this is terror and desperation
I am losing words like that faith that fled long ago
I need you
I need you to tell me how to say goodbye
to the details that shift shapes like memories
like faces that lit up a dark March night Los Angeles
1980
and the beginning of loss
and how all I wanted
was a moment that would keep me still